My little companion

I told Nolan today that he's my little companion. As the days go by and we spend time together I can see how our relationship has grown and how we love each other's company. It's really cute

For the past 2 weeks, Lawton got the chance to take care of Nolan by himself. I think it is the first time ever that he has done that and I'm so proud of him. He took Nolan to the park, fed him, bathe him, took care of the house, cooked dinner and did groceries shopping. These days they Nolan was papai's companion... I'm so happy to see them connect, it is really special to see the special bond that they have with each other, really cute! Lawton took this picture in one of their outings, at a coffe shop.

ETS

Last month, we started going to ETS (Epicentre trainning school). It was a process to go through, I knew the sacrifices that would be necessary (time and energy, Nolan's sleeping deprivation, etc.) but Lawton and I realized that it would be a unique moment that we would be closer to God and see Him in so many different ways.

I've been praying for this, for about a year, I commited to pray for Lawton's faith to grow as a spiritual leader in the family. Now I realized the prayer was also for my own walk with God. Lawton decided to do the ETS before me, I was a bit hesitant thinking about the commitment necessary.

But I know that God has so many ways to reach to us and extend his love. One of the speakers (Floyd Mcclung) preached about the prodigal son. He said he thinks that this boy had a broken spirit, so much pain to be leaving his house in the search for something else outside.

This made me reflect about the miscarriage and how much pain I still feel and how I also feel like running away. But God demonstrated his love to me in this story, how He wants to reach that deep pain and comfort me. Just like the son, in the mist of desperation, remembered his father's love for him, I also remembered the love of the Father for me. He wants to restore my heart so that I can trust Him again and that it takes faith to know He will come through and heal me.

It's a process, I know it will take a while to heal the pain and disappointment. But to know that God loves me and He wants to speak to me, encourage me, tell me that he will never leave me, He's trustworthy, he will heal me because that will allow a transparent relationship with the Father.

30 words

Is that a milestone? Our little Nolan can speak 30 words, all mixed up english, portuguese and cantonese! What a boy... some of them are: clock, airplane, apple, abre, coco, peixe, carro, tje-tje. Isn't my little one amazing? : )

Psalm 139:7-8

Who would know that a one of Nolan's CD song would help me to go through this difficult time. When we found out about my miscarriage, I had this song in my mind:

Where can I go from your spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence, oh Lord
If I go up to the heavens, you're there
If I make my bed in the depths, you're there

Where's God?
Everywhere
Where's God?
Everywhere
God is everywhere

Psalm 139:7-8

It reminded me that anywhere I am, his presence is certain and it will help me go through anything.

A Time for Everything

Ecclesiastes 3

¹ There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

² a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

This verses have been in my mind for a few days. Since we saw our ultrasound of our baby 2 and were not sure if she was forming well. It's been a few tough days, yesterday I started bleeding and went to the ER just to find out that they were not able to see the baby. And I continued bleeding, this afternoon my doc confirmed the we were going through miscarriage. So, this is the time to mourn, baby was probably just 5 weeks old.

Vocabulary development

Some more words from Nolan. Purple for the color of markers I bought him, Nanana for his favorite banana. Also, Ama' and Acon were impressed to see him walking with his walker and as soon as he heard Acon's voice he started saying: "Aca', Aca'!" Acon was so happy and proud... Nolan misses them, I show him the picture and he repeats Aca' every time he see Acon.

Nolan's 1st Bday party

Sometimes it's easier to remember the bad days and forget about the good days... why is that? I have to remind myself that we have so many good days when everything seem to work out, all things are in place (or almost everything), and things go well at home.

But then some are really difficult. I know for sure that when I'm not good, Nolan knows right away. He can sense that something is wrong with mommy even when I try not to show him. I explained to him that sometimes mommy is not feeling too well, and that I's trying my best and it may not be perfect but I'm trying. He understands. He still smiles to me when he sees me. I wonder if that innocence ever will last.

Today Nolan learned to say "au-au" for dogs, so anything that is an animal he calls it au-au. He pointed to little cats and said au-au.

He also learned how to sign please by patting both hands on his tummy... hahaha, it was so funny... he also signs "more please".
He points to everything he see or wants, airplane is by far his favourite. He looks up, says wow and points to the sky. Also cars and of course dogs.

Ama' and Acon are having fun with Nolan, he keeps on repeting Aca' each time he sees grandpa, and they go together in the morning to buy newspaper. It's cute to see them interact.

During the days it is easy to see these moments passing by...

Nolan's 1st birthday!

Our little one turned one today! It's really been such an honor to be able to raise him and see how handsome he's getting each day... Today we had a special day with Acon and Ama', we went to a taiwanese food for lunch to celebrate both Nolan and Acon's birthday.

In the morning, we gave you your gifts, a swimming pool, a sand truck and a Yo Gabba-Gabba toy (brobee) that played a song and you smiled when you heard that.

In the afternoon, we used the swimming pool daddy bought for Nolan. He had a blast, at first he was a bit shy and unsure about where so much water came from but then he was even crawling and splashing water in the pool...

Ayi bought you a Elmo toy that talks, dances and tells stories, you're hypnotized and Ama' and Acon were laughing all the time.

Mamae has a gift for Nolan too but it's not ready yet.

Nolan brings much joy to us, I can tell how much joy he brings to Ama' and Acon. He can say Ama' and he says Aca' for grandpa. And they smile and laugh at the little things he does and admires him so much. Many times Nolan wants to walk to Acon and pat his belly... hehehe, it's really cute to see them playing...

A chicken named Pox

"So, there is the story of a chicken named pox that is trying to pay us a visit. Two weeks ago, we were in contact with her and we did not know it was her. Later on we found out that it was really the chicken. "

Two weeks ago Nolan, Caden and Miya were exposed to chicken pox and we were wondering if they were infected or not... since then, we (mommies) have been watching every single red dot that showed in their bodies and wondering if that is it... I have been hanging out with Sherri and Vanessa only, just to be on the safe side. So, we started calling us the "quarrantine group".

At the beginning I freaked out, as a normal first time mom... but then I realized that there was nothing I could have done or could do that will keep him 100% safe.

God is in control. I finally then surrender these things to God and it's like a heavy burden out of my shoulders.

For now, we wait... 1 more week with the "quarrantine group" : )

Remebering the first and favourites

I was just trying to sleep and I couldn't stop thinking of how this year went by fast... Lawton and I were putting Nolan's pictures in frames and we were looking at how much he changed. Not only he has changed but I also changed with him. He really made me realize so many things in my life, like how capable I am to overcome difficulties and how much joy I'd never imagine on having such a simple life. Just by taking care of him and having a meaninful life, impacting his life in this world. I can imagine when he grows up how much more it will be!

So many first happened, Nolan had his first photo session at 3 months, when I was so desperately trying to register how tiny he was and how he already changed at that time. Then second session was now, at almost 12 months! Yes, our little baby is turning one! His first tooth came out when we were visiting Ama' and Acon in April 2009, his first word was "mumu" (for food), then his second word was mama (when he needed me), his third word is Ama' when he'd see grandma's picture in the computer., his forth word was Papa (of course!), he started turning the pages of his books at 7 months (seriously!), Nolan's first sign language was "more" where he'd clap his hands for food but now he does that when he wants something, he recently started pointing at Mila's bowl and said "mumu" = food. Then today at the restaurant he pointed to someone else's food and said "mumu!".

Nolan's favourite toy is the computer's keybord, where he bangs on it, then he found the mouse and started dragging it while I walk him around the house... His first steps was 2 months ago and after that nothing stopped him. The other day Lawton held his little hands and they were chasing Mila all over the house and he was laughing so much. He loves to come back home because he knows we're going to see Mila and he just started to put his face close to her mouth so that she can lick his face... and he ever opens his mouth : P

His favourite books are: "Historinhas da biblia" (where he have windows that he can flip), "Guess how much I love you?" (I usually change the characters to be Nolan and Mamae and he loves it!), The very hungry caterpillar (which he learned how to flap the book at the end when the caterpillar became a butterfy), "Pat the bunny"(he always stick the book on his face to smell the flowers).

Each day is different, each day there's something new... just today i was at the mall inside the store and Nolan called my attention, pointed outside and said "Uh". I looked and there was Yeh Yeh!

Yeah, I love to talk about him!

Lawton's first father's day

A week ago Lawton celebrated his first Father's day... my friends and I arranged a "surprise walk/run" in Culver City. It was really fun, Nolan was intrigued by so many people on the streets... Lawton has been such a great "Papa". I admire his patient and perseverance to do the best for Nolan and I and his love for us.

Life passes so fast and we don't realize it... Nolan is almost 9 months and we created a beautiful and intimate bond. We spend the days together and we have special moments like late afternoon when we sit and face our backyard and we start talking to each other... I show him the flowers, plants, animals and all God's creation... he's amazed by everything. One special plant was an orchid given to us when Nolan was born... at first it had just one flower, then little by little one another flower would show up. The coincidence is that every month one flower would come up Nolan would celebrated another month old, so right now the 9th flower is about to florish... Isn't this beautiful? When I look at Nolan I just think of how much joy this little boy has brought us.

I've been reading a book about motherhood and the more I read it, the more passionate and certain I am about my calling to care for him. I see how God's designed me to be Nolan's mommy and how Lawton and I will impact his life. Both in a good and bad ways,

I also realized the things that happened to me in my past that are coming so clear now... both good and bad, I see how my family impacted who I am right now.

Lawton and I had been married for 3 years and it seemed that we went through so much. We also developed a special bond with each other... when we traveled to Brazil a few weeks ago, we were apart for 1 week and I felt our family was incomplete... Even though Nolan and I were having a good quality time with Ama and Acon, we missed Lawton a lot. I could tell that Nolan missed his daddy when one night he woke up crying in the middle of the night and I tried everything I could to soothe him but nothing worked... I just thought that if Lawton was there, he would be able to calm him down. He's been such a good husband and father, I'm so proud of him. Lawton just wants to do his best for both Nolan and I.

Almost 6 Months old

I can't believe Nono will be 6 months old in a few weeks... time really flies, and he's growing fast... we went to so many milestones, he's laughing at anything we do to him, he's been rolling over a while ago, he's even interacting with Mila, the other day, they were playing with each other... Mila was jumping while Nolan was laughing at her... it was so cute and funny. He wants to stand up now more, wants to jump and complains when you take too long to put his clothes on. He arches his back and say "ur" when he wants to get out of the car seat when the car stops.

Recently I started sleep training him, that's been one of the saddest thing to see your baby crying so much. But it's for his good, he needed to learn so that he would nap better. Many times I'd hold him close and say that we would learn together, that I'm by his side... just like I talked to him at the hospital when I was trying to breastfeed him.

He continues to be the cuttest baby in the world, as one of our friends always repeats every time she sees him... he has the biggest smile and we can see his gums when he does that.